Hay.

After more than a year of heartaches, headaches, tears and fears, naiba naman.

Salamat sa taong naging sanhi ng muling pagbangon ko, ang iisang taong pinagpursigehan kong makasama.

Matapos ang mahabang panahon, pumayag ka rin. ^_^ At ngayon, mas makabuluhan ang mga bawat segundo, minuto, oras at araw ko.

Isang masayang Araw ng mga Puso sa iyo, sa akin, at sa ating dalawa.

At sa mga malapit na katrabaho at mga kaibigan, may idea na kayo.

2006: the year that was. A mix of deceit, lust, passion, love, strong friendship, rights and wrongs, tears and fears. Of anger and sorrow. Of depression and regression. At the same time, of bliss and romance. Of simple joys and big hearts.

This New Year, I'd try things differently. Stop going back to the past, face the present, look forward to the future. For starters, someone I've longed for has finally made up her mind (thank you St. Claire! You truly are the saint of wishes). And I reckon things will just keep on getting better and better each day.

I just love new beginnings. ^_^

He felt the painful yet pleasurable sensation brought by her mouth sucking gingerly on his chest, leaving dark purplish marks in every square inch of skin the exploring orifice lands on. Being a bit of a masochist, he immensely enjoyed every bit of it, aside from the enthrallment of having the woman in such an unbelievable span of time. Feeling this, a surge of power overwhelming every nerve of his body, somewhat made him master his thoughts, passion and lust. Thus, in a lustful yet authoritative tone, he ordered her to suck on his member, standing solidly, eagerly awaiting anything hot, wet, moist and tight to engulf its entirety. Paradoxically, it admits defeat by deflating like a balloon, but not yet until it invades a hot and wet orifice, and finally by letting out a glob of protein.

At this moment, I can't seem to understand why my eyes suddenly felt watery when I was drinking alone. Yet after having dear people drink with me, hearing Nickelback's photograph somewhat became a tearjerker. Good thing for me it was just a few trickles of tears on my eyes which did not even go down my face.

Perhaps I just had too much of the good old drink. By the time I wake up and read this again, all must come as a surprise.

I am never good yet I know how to do the math.

If she's back with him, it's pretty obvious--and I am not surprised at all. I've been subjected to the routine and so my expectations were after all proven true. The same cycle has again repeated itself and left me all alone again, naturally.

At one point she vents out frustrations followed by some brief period of mushy conversations then going forward to a more brief period of, for lack of a better term, "being together." After that, lessened text messages to the point of non-exchange at all mean only one thing: everything was just a filler.

Before, I used to cry when this initially happened. But after several repetitions, I somewhat got used to it, cool not being the exact word but I was chill with it. Gawd, I must forgive myself, as this has been happening for a year already and I haven't got any sense to get out of it. Am I liking it? Or do I still have something for her?

Sure, I can add things up, but I can't subtract nor divide questions that keep surfacing.

I was never good and I am afraid to say that I hardly know the math at all.

A year ago, it was my death---black the color of every day, tears streaming from my eyes every now and then, nights howling with the torrential rain and my cries at the same time; the mood bleak, laughs pretentious, smiles superficial, mode suicidal. It was how things went at that time, when my emotions were at a high and my thoughts went haywire. Grief and sorrow blanketed me all the while, like an anaconda slowly choking and crushing me to death. I pass out but every time I wake up it is time to die again.

Die. Pass out. Die. Pass out. All the same it was, until time took pity and dressed, if not healed, my wounds and scars.

A new lease in life I now have, and with that I thank people who took me in and gave me renewed strength and vigor. You never know how much your company--the jokes, laughs and willingness to listen--meant more than anything else--and for that I am truly grateful.

It has been a year since we parted ways, and a lot has happened ever since. Perhaps what they say, and as you have said, is true; that only time can tell what's gonna happen.

I say we cross our fingers, then.

Ano nga ba ang spark?

Nakakain ba ito? Ganoon ba ito kaimportante sa buhay ng tao? Para kasi siyang isang napakahalagang bagay na pag hindi mo mahanap e hindi ka na mabubuhay pa. Dedo, tigok, olats---mga kinahihinatnan ng mga obsessed na mahanap iyon. napaisip ako dahil maraming beses ko na kasing narinig 'to e, na may mga taong naghahanap ng spark. Saan ba ito nabibili?

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam kung saan ba ito makukuha. Yun nga e, hindi naman daw nakukuha ang spark, nararamdaman lang. Tipong dialogue sa pelikula, na sinasambit na lang habang far away to Dreamland ang isip ng nagsasalita, kumikinang ang mga mata at puno ng pangarap ang tinig. Talaga bang ganoon na lang katindi ang spark?

May kaibigan ako, antagal na nilang magkakilala nung lalaki, pero "friends" lang daw sila...friends na naghoholding hands, nagtatawagan, nagtetext, nag-e-LQ, at what-have-you. Panay kantiyaw na naming magkakaibigan sa kanya na ang showbiz nila. Minsan, tinanong ko siya, ano bang problema at hindi pa ninyo gawing pormal? "Wala kasi akong spark na nararamdaman e," sabi niya. Pero ngayon, buti naman, sila na, at sa maigsing panahon napagdesisyunan niya na nakita na niya ang pakakasalan niya. Kaming mga kaibigan niya e nagulat sa bilis ng mga pangyayari, pero masaya naman kami para sa kanya. At least, kahit paano, matagal din niyang napag-isipan ang desisyon niya, siguro nung sa katagalan ng paghihintay niya ng spark.

Meron naman akong isang kasama sa kapatiran na liberal mag-isip. Magkagayon man, babae pa rin siya, at kahit sino pang matipuhan niya, matapos ang maraming pangyayari (basta maraming pangyayari, na baka may ideya kayo) e isa lang ang lagi niyang isinasambulat sa akin: "Brod, walang spark e, ayoko. Hindi masaya." So ang ending, hanap pa rin, kahit na sa huli ang end result e wala, na masakit din sa kanya, sige lang sa kahahanap.

Siguro kahit ako rin, naghahanap ng spark, kung hindi ko man alam, e hindi ko naman inaamin sa sarili ko. baka iba lang ang pakahulugan o interpretasyon ko. Simple lang naman kasi e. Masyado kasing highfalutin, pompous at pretentious ang salitang spark sa lahat ng aspeto e-konsepto man o damdamin. Puwede mo rin naman sabihing tipo mo yung tao kasi mabait, o kaya matalino, o kaya may sense kausap...hindi yung tipong gusto ko siya dahil may spark.

Kung maraming naghahanap, malamang hinahanapan din ako ng spark. Ang masasabi ko lang, ipapakita ko na lang kung ano ako; at least, kahit papaano, malalaman mong totoo ako at hindi nanloloko. May oras man na gago ako o kaya naman parang santo, kahit ano pa man ako, ang spark na hinahanap mo, malalaman at mararamdaman mo na lang pag kasama mo ako, at mas mararamdaman mo pag kilala mo na talaga ako.#

What a long day....

First, the freakin' rain, wind and blizzard (wow may snow na sa 'Pinas...) had me go home at 12:00pm (July 12 instead of 8:00am. Got out of the office at 5:30am so I should've been home around 6:30 at the earliest. Foolish me, I did not bring an umbrella. I just watched Rockstar Supernova until 10:30 am and then waited for a lil' more for the rain to at least go into trickles but alas, no, it did not. I had no choice but to use my jacket as a raincoat. FInally, I got home and slept. I had planned to sleep all day (Jason Mraz?) since I am on mandatory leave for the day (or night?) but then an ex bugged me (haha, sorry for the term) till I agreed to have coffee at a not-so-nearby place. Despite the heavy rains and lack of enough sleep, I decided to go.

After a cup of macchiato and some small talk, I went home to supposedly drink with a sis-who-is-really-a-brod-by-nature-only-that-she-has-different-goods-than-us (by anatomy, that is, and she's really one of the guys, in the good sense, if you know what I mean) who's having emo issues but ended up chomping rice and grilled sirloin (pota, inihaw na liempo lang yun) and dropping her off 2 blocks away to her ride home. I went home but had plans.

Earlier, upon my way to McCafe, I heard over NU that Urbandub's playing over Saguijo. Much earlier during the day, I felt disheartened coz' I heard they will be playing at Capones (which was near our office) on Thursday which was a working day (or night, whatever) for me. But then, upon hearing the Saguijo gig over NU, I made no second thoughts and braved the flooded streets of Makati leading to the gig. Even without knowing the exact location, I hailed (sieg heil!) a cab and left.

Finally, the gig. I arrived just in the nick of time for the gig to start. I looked foolish holding an umbrella in my right hand but braved the rakistas and bought my ticket. 130 buckaroos to enter with one free bottle of San Mig-San Mig Pale. The place was jampacked-and since I felt and looked foolish, I decided to sit by the floor near the stage.

First to play was The Ambassadors (yeah, "was" should be used because it (The Ambassadors) is proper noun). They were great---good arrangements, good guitars, bass, and of course, drums. i took great pleasure rockin' to the beat, which somewhat made me think they sound like Green Day. While I did so, I noticed Lalay Lim-tinkering with her digicam, taking pictures!!! I was almost drooling at the sight of her and thought what more will happen as they play later on?!? Of course, the set ended, and while listening to Chicosci's A Promise playing over the bar's speakers, I could not keep my excitement over seeing, hearing and experiencing Urbandub play again.

I've been dying to watch them play again ever since the first time I saw them at CAS with Sugarfree and Hale. Sadly, I did not have time due to my work, as they've been having gigs every weekdays. So, to compensate, I listen to their CD a lot. If only inanimate objects can speak, the Urbandub CD I own would raise hell over me using it over and over again, listening from track one to 11, subjecting it to scratches. Hell yeah, I can't say I'm one true blue Dubista at this point since I only knew their existence 2005, when in fact they've been in the scene since 2003 and had 2 albums to date when I bought the third one (Embrace). But who cares? It's better late than never, and it was all timely when I got to buy the CD, since all the tracks were somewhat related to my experiences at that time.

The crowd started to gather inside the bar when they started to tune their guitars and set-up. Then it began. I sang and shouted with every song they played I know--only 2 or 3 tracks were not familiar to me. If I'm not mistaken, they played about 6 or 7 songs, maybe 8. Best songs they played were of course, A New Tattoo, a very emotional, powerful and beautifully written song, which I requested them to play (yey!); Embrace, A Silent Whisper; First of Summer, Safety in Numbers, Reveal The Remedy, Versus, and No Ordinary Love. So despite being alone, I banged my head with every drumbeat, with every flick of the strings and in the process lost some fat. But swigging three bottles of beer just blanced, or maybe, imbalanced things out. Best thing is, I got to get a picture with Gabo, John and Lalay. So far this stormy morn has been the best in my life. Hopefully, the next one will be a wake-up call at dawn from someone I slept with (will sleep with, if that chance comes, and dunno who will that person will be).

What a day!

Kudos to Urbandub and to all pinoy rakistas!